Sam – Gender-neutral CEO appointed after the timely yet unexpectedly violent death of SlapSad founder T. Rhett Washington, Sr. Formerly a lowly intern, Sam was yanked to the top of the corporate ladder by virtue of having mopped up the most blood after the devastating Alabamaland occupation.
Carl – Sixth in a long line of Creative Directors named Carl. Responsible for pretending to manage The Creatives.
Edward Punchline – CLO/General Counsel. Screams a lot and only cares about the payoff. Notable quote: “AAAAAAARRRRRRGGHH!!!”
Keith Burnside – Copywriter extraordinaire/task juggler professionnel. Conceptual thinker. Passionate about everything. Always hits the ground running. Great team player. Writes funny articles in his spare time. Notable quote: “[the sound of disapproval]”
Cowabunga Dude – IT guy who spends a lot of time surfing the web and looking for opportunities to commandeer the corporate blog, Tumblr page,
and Facebook page. Notable quote: “GOD IS GRATE!!!!! BIRDS ARE AWESOME!! VOTE FOR BERNE SANDERS!!!!!”
St. Valentine – Elderly charmer who wanders the office doling out encouragement and European bonbons. Also roasts/brews the coffee and ensures the vodka cooler never runs dry.
The Creatives – A bunch of disposable hipstersexual art/copy types who drink a lot. Responsible for most of the postcards featured in the Zazzle shop.
Unhelpful Content Reviewers – SlapSad’s in-house content review team. Responsible for squelching creativity and then sending unhelpful emails about it. Notable quote: “That’s not how you spell g******.”
Marketing – Nobody knows what this is or what it does.
Brandt – Some guy.
Carl – Fifth in a long line of Creative Directors named Carl. Died in the freezer incident involving a severed baboon head.
Gnemo – Office gnome and serial prankster. Died in the hands of a trashed copywriter during Monday Drunken Lunch Brawl.
Yellr – Beloved office sloth. Died from blunt force trauma during a violent T. Rhett cuss-storm that produced softball-size hellstones.
I. T. Guy – Loyal but unlucky IT guy. Died in Chicken Cannon Hall after taking a chicken cannonball to the head.
An Intern – Nameless slave tasked with taking holiday postcards to the post office. Died after being struck by a mail truck, shot by a cop.
T. Rhett Washington, Sr. – Founder, CEO, and office shuffleboard champion with a famously cantankerous bent. Died from multiple gunshot wounds during the Valentine’s Eve incident. Notable quote: “To hell with those bumbling ballsacks!”
Jesús – Manager, Unhelpful Content Reviewers. Died when CEO Sam crucified him after his team flagged the Plainclothes Postcards Black Ops project for no goddamn reason.